10 Things Teens Want Their Parents to Know
I have worked with teenagers in my counseling practice for over 15 years, and these are the things I hear ALL THE TIME. I also hear the things that parents want their teens to know, but that will be a separate article.
Here are the biggest desires of the hundreds of teens I have worked with over the years in regards to their relationship with their parents.
Don't take things personally. I am not 'rebelling' because I hate you. I am not going to my room to be by myself because I am mad at you. If I am in a mood, don't get insulted. It's not about you (most of the time).
Sometimes it IS about you, though. I tell you something about my life, and you jump into advice, criticism and what you think I should do. I wasn't asking for that. I just wanted to talk about something on my mind, and for you to listen and try to understand where I was coming from. Don't try to solve all of my problems. I need to figure things out as I go, and what I DO want is your support and a non-judgmental ear.
Please try to trust my decision making. I know it might not be what YOU would do, or it might be flat out wrong, but I need to make some mistakes along the way to learn. You have passed down the values and morals that you find important, and I agree with most of them. But, I have to try out different behavior and make different decisions than you in order for me to really know who I am and what's important to me.
Listen to me. Listen to what is important to me. Don't try to make me into someone else. Accept me for me. I want to be happy and have a good life, I just might do it in a different way than you want. Deal with your anxiety and fear, so that you don't have to try and control everything I do. I know you love me and want the best for me, but it's MY journey to figure that out.
If you want to be close to me, and for me to want to hang out with you sometimes, then try to talk about things other than school, homework, chores and things I need to work on all the time. I don't want to talk about those things, especially when we are trying to have some fun! If you want to get closer to me, show genuine interest in what I am interested in, outside of school. Ask if we can watch a show together and if I say 'yes', then do NOT complain or be negative about it. You don't have to be over-the-top enthusiastic, but just have an open mind to things I am that you might not be.
You are not my friend. You are my parent, and I don't need to know about your financial problems, or issues you are having in your love life. Don't try to intrude into my private life, either. I know you want to know what I am talking about with my new love interest, but for the love of all things holy, do not sneak into my phone or read my diary. That's invasive and breaks all trust. Privacy is an important part of trust, and if I trust you, I will share more of myself with you.
The more you try to control me, without my input or opinions, the more disconnected I feel from you. I understand that your job is to keep me safe, but the more you act like I can't be trusted to make decisions for myself, the more I want to stay away. I will find ways to do the things I want to, even if it means I have to be sneaky. I don't want to have to hide things from you, but that is sadly what happens when you try to dominate and control me.
Stop watching me with your 'concerned' eyes every time I am around you. Don't put your worry and quiet disapproval on me. I can feel it and I don't like it. Let me eat what I want in peace. Don't give me your unsolicited advice. You can't control me anymore, like you were able to do when I was little. You can, however, be an influence in my life if you can show me the respect you would to a good friend. Would you tell a good friend that they look slutty in their outfit? Or that not doing a summer internship is a really bad idea?
Don't make me your full time job. I'll be out of the house before you know it. The more you build up your own life and do things you find fulfilling, the less worried you will be about me. You don't need to be checking my grades every day, or keeping up with all of my homework. My school life is something I need to take ownership and responsibility over, and if you are too involved, then I just want to check out. Find new hobbies or interests, and maybe your happiness will rub off on me. I want to SEE you living a fulfilling life, and not just you telling me how to have one.
Make sure I know that you love me unconditionally... that your love isn’t dependent on how well I do in school, or how pretty or thin I look, my sexual orientation, etc. I need to know that you love and accept me regardless, especially since I already feel insecure most of the time.